


Job Requirements

by lorannah



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Coffee, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-18
Updated: 2009-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-04 13:53:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorannah/pseuds/lorannah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andy asks Ianto to meet him for a coffee. Slightly cracky-madness I tell thee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Job Requirements

Andy finished his cup of tea and thirstily eyed the coffee he’d bought for Ianto.

He’d decided to take the Torchwood thing into his own hands, mostly because if he was going to live in a city that had more weird goings on than Area 51 he wanted to be in the middle of it and only partly, he reassured himself, because he wanted to prove Gwen wrong.

Ianto slid into the seat opposite him with a disapproving look.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Andy greeted him with a grin.

“It was the only way I could think of to stop you calling the emergency line,” Ianto replied.

“Sorry. I got you a cup of coffee,” he pointed out as a conciliatory gesture. Ianto picked it up, sniffed it and then pushed it aside.

“It is called the _emergency_ line for a reason,” Ianto chided him.

“What? Did I tie up the line and make you miss an alien invasion?”

One of Ianto’s eyebrows twitched.

“Thankfully it was a very small invasion and they headed to Cross Hands by mistake so we were able to get there in time,” he told him severely, Andy laughed but Ianto frowned him back into silence.

“Cross Hands? The place in Carmarthenshire?” Andy joked after a second. “Hardly would have been a disaster if it’d been wiped out would it?”

“It may be a laughing matter for you; it would have been a major diplomatic incident for us. Thankfully we managed to get the aliens out before the locals did too much harm. Anyway what’s this about?”

“I want a job at Torchwood,” Andy told him and Ianto laughed. A short surprised, slightly unflattering, laugh.

“Right,” Ianto said gathering himself together. “Well I’m not sure how Gwen would feel about that.”

“Well it’s not up to her, is it?” Andy snapped.

“I suppose I could talk to Jack,” Ianto suggested. “But you’d have to apply through Torchwood’s traditional route, fulfil our job requirements.”

“But Gwen didn’t…”

“Well Gwen is Jack’s special project. He’s a stickler for the rules normally, he’ll occasionally let a genius like Tosh or Owen slip through because he needs their specialist skills. But for the likes of you and me…” Ianto waved his hands expressively.

“Alright. What job requirements?”

“You’ll need a specialist degree. Extraterrestrial Studies, Research and Analysis preferably.”

“What?”

“Spooky dos,” Ianto supplied.

“Where the hell do you study that then?” Andy asked.

“SwindonCommunity College.”

“Swindon?” Ianto nodded and for a moment Andy was stumped. “But… a community college?”

“The course _is_ accredited by the University of Bristol,” Ianto’s tone was defensive and without warning he stood up. “Of course if you’re not interested…”

“No, no… Look how long is this course?”

“Three years,” Ianto sat back down and grinned at him.

“Three… Right. And when I’ve done the three years, I can join Torchwood…”

“Of course, if you get top marks.”

Andy was silent for a few moments.

“What happens to the people who don’t?”

“We give them an amnesia pill; they never even remember they’ve been to Swindon.”

“What they just forget three years of their life?” Andy asked. “Isn’t that a bit weird?”

Ianto shrugged in response.

“Anyway,” he continued, his tone business like, “Would you say you thought of yourself as bisexual?”

“What? No,” Andy told him, moving back slightly.

“Oh,” Ianto’s tone clearly suggested that this was a problem.

“Well we could work on that once you’ve got the job. I could _help_ you work on that if you wanted,” Ianto spoke slowly and then smiled at him. Andy’s mind froze for a moment and then all too quickly kicked back into action.

“Wait? Are you saying that Gwen…”

“This isn’t going to work is it, Andy?” Ianto interrupted him.

“You were never going to let me in, were you?”

“Nope,” Ianto stood to leave.

“Then why the hell tell me all that?”

“I’d already put the amnesia pill in your tea, I thought I should make it worth while.” He headed for the door of the café.

“Wait,” Andy called after him and Ianto looked back for a moment, “I’d already drunk my tea before you got here.”

“We work in unusual ways.”

* * * * *  
 

Gwen was waiting for him outside in his car.

“Any luck?” She asked as Ianto slid into the driver’s seat.

“Well I told him that to get a job at Torchwood you need to spend three years studying in Swindon.”

“Well that should put him off,” Gwen laughed. They both watched as Andy scurried from the café, his face red.

"I told him we'd given him retcon as well, just to worry him. Oh and he now thinks that bisexuality isn’t an optional part of Torchwood's hiring policy.” Gwen paused for a second.

“Ianto Jones, have you told Andy that I like women?”

“Owen does still have that footage of you and Carys…”

“You are a cruel, cruel man,” Gwen giggled.

“Thank you,” she watched him for a second.

“You didn’t proposition him did you?”

“Maybe best if we don’t tell Jack about that part. I think he’d be far too amused.”

“Anyway how did you get recruited to Torchwood originally?” She asked as he started up the car.

“Long story.”

“Well it’s a long drive to my house,” she pointed out.

“Alright. I was working at this little coffee place in Camden and I… accidentally broke the coffee machine. I managed to pick up something that looked about right on one of the junk stalls."

“Alien?” Gwen interrupted.

“Yep. Anyway I fixed it and it turned out that it made absolutely fantastic coffee, slightly addictive… but fantastic.”

“Addictive?”

“It created rabid coffee zombies, they were practically ripping each other apart, the police had to close off Camden market and then Torchwood got involved.”

“That sounds more like the cue for a very long wait on the naughty step, not a job offer?” Gwen joked, Ianto smiled, his eyes fixed on the road.

“It turned out they already had one of these alien coffee do-hickeys, except nobody had worked out how to fix it. They thought it was some sort of personal time travelling space-time manipulator or something. So I got the job.”

“Ianto, the coffee machine in the Hub… that’s from Torchwood 1 right?” He grinned again but didn’t reply.

“How addictive?”

**Author's Note:**

> My policy on permissions for use of my work is that you don't in fact need my permission to make art, record podfic, remix, critique, translate, save, share or otherwise reuse and interact with anything I've done. I'd love it if you'd share a link with me when you're done.
> 
> Any comments are also welcome – I'd love to hear what worked for you and (truly) what didn't or about those really obvious typos that my mind can't see anymore. If you don't want to comment publicly, feel free to e-mail me. Everything and anything will be loved and cherished.


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